Discipline as Discipleship: 9 Steps to Godly Discipline

In this blog post, I am excited to dive into a topic that has transformed the way I approach parenting: Discipline as Discipleship.

When I was pregnant with my first son, Jesse, I spent countless hours preparing for motherhood. I researched everything from sleep schedules and feeding, to the best stroller and car seat. But looking back, I realize all of that only prepared me to meet the basic needs of a baby. Once he turned two, I found myself facing the real work of parenting—guiding, teaching, and disciplining. And I quickly discovered that I was unprepared for this deeper, everyday parenting.

The thing about discipline is that there’s so much conflicting advice. Each parenting style—attachment, helicopter, gentle, respectful, even tiger parenting—has its own take. It’s overwhelming, and it can leave you wondering if you’re doing it “right.” Disciplining is tough, and you won’t know the full impact of your approach until much later.

I’ve tried various strategies and read countless books, but I often felt unsure of myself. It was only when I came across the book 'Habits of the Household' by Justin Whitmel Earley that things began to click. Earley introduces the idea of 'discipline as discipleship'. This concept opened my eyes to a different way of looking at discipline—not just as a means to correct behavior but as a way to guide my children toward a relationship with God.

Discipline Rooted in God’s Love

In Proverbs 3:11-12, we’re reminded: “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” Similarly, Hebrews 12:6 says, “The Lord disciplines the one he loves.”

God sets the ultimate example of discipline for us. His discipline is grounded in love, intended not to punish or shame but to restore us to Him. As we read in the Bible, His response to our mistakes isn’t condemnation but reconciliation—loving us back into relationship with Him, even at the cost of His Son, Jesus.

This loving discipline is what creates disciples, as Earley explains, shaping us to love others and live in alignment with God. It’s a beautiful picture and one that changed how I view discipline with my own children. Our role as parents is to discipline with the same heart, aiming not to control but to faithfully steward our children’s hearts and point them toward God.

How to Discipline as Discipleship

So, what does disciplining as discipleship look like in practice?

1. Recognize Our Knee-Jerk Reactions

I realized that I first had to address my own reactions. Parenting is challenging, and in moments of exhaustion or frustration, I’m tempted to react emotionally. This is why I practice alignment journaling daily, to keep my mind prepared and my emotions in check. This helps me respond with grace rather than anger, creating new “knee-jerk” reactions that reflect who I want to be as a parent.

2. See Our Children as Image-Bearers

In moments of discipline, it’s crucial to shift our perspective. Instead of viewing our children as “problems” to fix, we can remember that they’re made in the image of God. Their role is to test boundaries, and ours is to gently guide them toward Jesus, with their hearts as our focus.

3. Practice Loving Authority

Earley introduces the 'Pyramid of Discipline', with “loving authority” at its base. This isn’t about creating fear but establishing authority with love. By embracing our role as parents, we can guide with strength and kindness, ensuring our discipline is grounded in love. Sometimes this looks like getting on their level, removing them from a situation, or taking a walk to talk things over.

4. Pause and Pray

Taking a moment to pause before responding allows us to breathe deeply and check our reactions. During this pause, we can say a simple prayer: “Lord, help me show love, understanding, and kindness.” This re-centers us, helping us respond from a place of love, not frustration. It also reminds us to see our children as young people learning about the world.

5. Be Mindful of Body Language

Our tone, body language, and expression can speak volumes. Just as God’s discipline is full of love and gentleness, so should ours be. Disciplining privately, away from others, can prevent embarrassment and ensure our response is in line with our values—not influenced by external pressure or fear of judgment.

6. Seek Understanding

Instead of jumping to conclusions, I’ve found it helpful to ask questions to understand my children’s intentions and thoughts. Questions like, “What did you think would happen?” or “How did you want the other person to feel?” open up a space for empathy and understanding. Their answers often reveal deeper needs and intentions, allowing us to address the root of their behavior.

7. Consequences

Consequences are essential, but they should be restorative rather than punitive. The purpose of a consequence is to teach and lead toward reconciliation. For instance, if one child hits another, stopping playtime to work on a task together may serve as a meaningful, constructive consequence, whereas taking away dessert after dinner later tonight tends to be more of a punishment.

8. Encourage Confession

Confession leads to repentance, and it’s a step toward healing and reconciliation. Encouraging children to look others in the eye, to say “I’m sorry,” and to mean it, teaches them the importance of acknowledging their actions and seeking to repair relationships.

9. Reconciliation

The final step in discipline is reconciling, with a hug or shared laughter. Just as God’s discipline ends with reconciliation, so should ours. Our goal is to reconnect with our children, reminding them that they’re loved, forgiven, and restored.

Embracing Discipline as Discipleship

Since adopting this approach, I’ve noticed a shift in my home. My children respond with greater cooperation, and I feel more assured in my role as a parent. No longer am I disciplining from guilt or fear of getting it “wrong”; instead, I see the fruit of a method that leads to connection and transformation. We’re learning to live in sync, not because my children fear punishment but because we are reconciled and united in love.

Embracing discipline as discipleship isn’t easy—it requires patience, empathy, and a commitment to aligning our actions with God’s heart. But it’s one of the most valuable things we can do as parents. By discipling our children through loving discipline, we’re not just correcting behavior; we’re nurturing their hearts and teaching them to walk closely with God.